


Loud

by ashimonaki



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival ALL STARS (Video Game), ラブライブ! 虹ヶ咲学園スクールアイドル同好会 | Love Live! Nijigasaki Gakuen School Idol Doukoukai (Anime)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, mia doesnt rlly know why she feels like this, mia is trying her best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28027713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashimonaki/pseuds/ashimonaki
Summary: Everything was just too loud,Mia hoped it would become quiet soon.(PLEASE read the tags, i'd hate to trigger anyone with my work. notes to s/h, undiagnosed mental issues, mental breakdowns, panic attacks and self esteem issues will be present in this fic + the chapters if i choose to continue.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. louder and louder

Loud.

Everything was just so god damn  _ loud. _

Mia cursed under her breath, making sure the others hadn’t heard her swear. Shioriko would have expelled her if she found out Rina or Shizuku had heard her.

She couldn’t focus on her music like normal, with all the noise that the girls from Lanzhu’s clique and the girls from Nijigaskai idol club were making. It was all pointless, anyway. She probably would have been done if it wasn’t for the continuous noise, drowning out her thoughts and overwhelming her. 

She was the foreigner there. Not Emma. Not Lanzhu. It was her. While the other two could easily fit in and be accepted into the group, she could never. Maybe it was her miss-matched Japanese, sometimes messing up simple words. Maybe it was her accent. Maybe…

She hit her head with the back of her hand. This was stupid. Why was she worried about this? They liked and accepted her like the rest of them, right…? 

_ Crap, focus. _

Her pen went back to writing; she was finally able to clear out the thoughts and all the noise of her classmates slowly fading out into silence. 

She hoped it would stay like that for a while.

  
  
  


\-----

“Mia? Have you finished the music? I need it done by-” Lanzhu asked, being stopped by Mia’s hand holding some papers flew up in front of her face.

“Here, 5 of them. Pick you’re favourite and throw the rest out. They won’t be needed.” Mia replied, not bothering to make eye contact with Lanzhu

Lanzhu walked off with a meer “thank you” sent in Mia’s direction, her heels hitting the wooden floor as she left. 

Not that Mia cared anymore. She picked up her things and left, this work would be better to do in her dorm room. 

  
  
  


\-----

A knock on Mia’s door made her sigh in frustration. Jeez, why couldn’t she get some alone time today to deal with the thoughts in her head.

“Mia-san? You missed dinner and-”

“I’m ok, I wasn’t hungry. I need to study.” Mia quickly half-lied, ignoring her hunger. It wasn’t worth it. She needed to get this homework done before Lanzhu sent her back to America. God, she didn’t want to go back there, not that she’d admit that though. 

“...Are you sure? I can bring something over before the dining room shuts-”

“It’s ok, I’ll be fine. As I said, I’m really busy.” Mia lied again, not wanting her lies to become more obvious. She could tell the other girl was suspicious, anyone would be in this situation would be, but Mia soon heard the sound of footsteps leaving her door. The sigh of frustration soon turned to a sigh of relief. 

She glanced over to her desk draw beside her. It had been weeks since she last did  _ it _ , but the temptation was there. No one would know and her stress of exams and overdue homework would be gone for a short while if she did so…

No. She couldn’t right…? Lanzhu had yelled at her last time, practically  _ begging _ her to stop. She agreed to stop that time, but surely once more was ok, right? 

  
  


“Maybe it’s time for bed…” Mia told herself. It was too late for her mind to be telling her such horrible things. 

  
  


She took one more look back at her desk, the thought still tempting. Her hand unconsciously wandered down to her thighs, her fingers running across the scars. Her eyes widened. There were more than she remembered there was, each one she felt bringing back the urge. 

Mia jumped into bed, almost missing hitting her head on the bedpost. Her eyes were quickly filling up with tears, and her mind was running wild.

  
  


The most logical thing that came to her mind was to switch off the light.

  
  


_ Oyasuminai. _


	2. it's so bothering.

Mia felt weak. 

Again and again, she tried. 

She fucking tried, but her best wasn’t the best it could be. One mistake turned into many mistakes and that turned into hell for the poor musician, who was trying her best. 

She tried again, nothing. 

The papers crumbled in her hands from the stress, her voice letting out a sob of frustration. 

Why wasn’t none of this clicking for her? Writing music was her talent, the only thing she was good at, so why was nothing working for her today...?

_ Because you’re worthless, Mia Taylor.  _

“Shut up!” Mia yelled out loud, regretting it immediately as all the other idols looked around at her.

“Mia…? Who were you talking to?” 

The creak of the chair next to her and the voice of the other girls walking away gave her space to finally breathe. She needed it, she felt like the room was stuffy when  _ they _ were in there. 

“Hey? Mia? What’s wrong?” Lanzhu’s voice called out, her hand reaching over to hold Mia’s hand before Mia pulled away. She was already overstimulated, and Lanzhu knew that adding more would result in a meltdown.

“Mia?”

Mia sighed with frustration, reaching over to finally hold Lanzhu’s hand. 

Neither of them said anything; the silence between them was enough to make Mia feel appreciated for that moment. Knowing the thought’s would come back later, she just stayed in the moment. 

“Lanzhu…” She whispered; her voice suddenly going numb, her body shaking with dread.

This was Mia’s first true taste of a panic attack. 

She panicked, how could anyone actually like her? All she had to offer was the pathetic excuse of a person she was. 

Could she even call herself a person? She felt numb inside, it honestly felt like she was watching herself panic and cry into Lanzhu’s arms. 

“Mia, come back. I’m here. I’m real.” Lanzhu spoke softly, as to not make Mia panic anymore than she already was.

“Lanzhu… why am I like this…? Why do I get overwhelmed so easily? Why do I feel like no one cares about me…? Lanzhu… why do you hang out with me…? Do you pity me? Is that why you brought me to Japan? Because you… pity me…? I-”

“Shut up, Mia Taylor, you have to stop this talk…” Lanzhu said softly.

“Everything will be ok… I promise.”

\-----

“Hey, Mia? You don’t happen the know your waist measurements off the top of your head?” 

Mia looked at Ayumu, who was holding a tape measure, frowning.

“No, I don’t… sorry…” 

“It’s ok! I can quickly measure you! ...If thats ok with you…?” Ayumu asked, looking Mia in the eyes. Mia felt her heartbeat quicken and she gulped.

“Mia?”

“Y-yeah, of course. Go ahead…” 

Mia closed her eyes and she felt Ayumu lifts up her skirt to get the correct measurements. 

“Alrighty, I’m just going to- a-ah…” 

Mia opened her eyes to see Ayumu hesitating to measure her waist. 

Mia knew exactly what she’d seen.

“They’re old, Ayumu.”

“I can tell but… these type of scars don’t seem like they were caused by a fall of any sort…”

Mia’s eyes looked away from Ayumu, confirming her suspicion. 

“Mia… you know everyone in the club is here for you, right? All of us care, you know that… so why…?”

“They’re old; they’ve healed.”

“Um, do you mind if I ask how long they’ve been healed for…?” Ayumu asked, guiding Mia to sit down with her. 

“ _ 2 months… _ ” Mia whispered, her hand reaching down to feel the scars again. 

“2 months? Well, its better than nothing, Mia. I’m proud of you,” Ayumu smiled at her.

Mia didn’t smile back. She took a quick look at her phone, noticing the time.

“Can we get back to measurements? Lanzhu wanted to meet up with me at the dorms in 15 minutes.” 

“O-oh, sure. Sorry for… pointing them out. I just care about you, Mia…”

“Mia! You’re late…”

“Sorry, Lanzhu… Ayumu wanted to get measurements and it took-”

“She saw them, didn’t she…” 

Lanzhu’s face turned to an expression of worry. Mia sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Lanzhu. She saw them… people are going to find out sooner or later, right?”

Lanzhu reached over and grabbed her hand.

_ “I worry about you, Mia Taylor…” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> points to anyone who gets why this chapter is called "its so bothering" lol
> 
> also once again, im fine. this is just a little vent work i turn to when i need to


	3. i hate it when people bother me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ty for @ethanol for beta reading because i wrote most of this fic at 2am on multiple nights... he's super cool we talk about prima porta and cry over agupon leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok first im?? in love with mias solo?? her seiyuu was really worried for our reactions on twitter, but most of us loved it (the confession on loveliveconfesss tho... not poggers...)
> 
> happy 2021, everyone. 
> 
> (also go listen to prima porta please Go! Broncos! Go! is a good song)

_ Pit. Pat. _

The humming of rain against the window was driving Mia insane. Normally, rain was meant to be a soothing, calming sound. 

Not tonight. No, tonight was different. 

She groaned softly. She needed sleep; she and Lanzhu were going to the local city to collect some things for the club and knowing Lanzhu, she’d want to be up and ready an hour before they actually had to go. 

_ Pitter. Pit. Pat. Pit. _

The sound of rain was still driving her insane.

Suddenly the sound of thunder hit the dorm room, making Mia cover her ears in pain as the noise slowly died down. 

Mia sighed again.

Maybe she’d be better off going on a walk. It could probably help clear her thoughts.

Probably.  _ Hopefully. _

Now that she thought about it, would she even be there tomorrow to meet with Lanzhu? Her mind, so twisted and weak, felt like it would break at any moment. She wondered if she’d ever go through with her plans of just getting it over and done with. She had everything ready, but she was too much of a coward to actually  _ do it. _

God, she really needed to get her shit together. 

Why did it feel like  _ she _ was choking on the air that everyone else knew how to breathe? Would she ever learn how to breathe? 

Yeah, she definitely needed fresh air. 

Getting up, she felt her body shift from her bed to the hard, wooden floor she all so hated. 

Her house in America had carpet. She missed it; waking up and putting her toes in between the wool. Sometimes she’d spill water accidentally, but she could always clean it up. It wasn’t very noticeable. Mostly.

  
  


Her legs carried her across the room, over to the closet where her shoes and jacket were. She knew she’d need them if she was going through her plans on going on her walk.

She sighed, grabbing her jacket and shoes before exiting her room. 

She forgot how lonely it could get sometimes.

\-------

“ _ Ai _ wonder what you’re doing out here, Mia? Get it? Since my name’s  _ Ai _ !” Ai giggled to herself. Mia sighed.

“That… was an awful pun, Ai-san… and why I’m out here? I couldn’t sleep… I thought a walk would be nice,” Mia replied, looking at the second year, her blonde hair seeming to flow with the gentle breeze. 

“Awww, why not? Were you up all night writing songs  _ ai- _ gain?”

Ai broke out into another laughing fit. Why did she make so many puns with her name?

“Kind of… Had a lot on my mind about our upcoming live…” Mia said, shoving her hands in her pocket. She wasn’t planning on telling Ai the real reason she came out. Ai didn’t need to know. Not now, not never.

“Hey, Mia, what do you really think about Lanzhu…? I’m curious, she brought you over here, yet she bosses you around. Not even Shioriko says anything about her, but you know her better, right?” Mia felt time pause, she’d hoped this question wouldn’t come up. She sighed.

“I hate her. I hate being forced around to write songs for her. She never likes them, so they go to waste. I could have been doing something I wanted to, but instead, I’m writing songs. The only thing I guess I’m good at… I sometimes wonder if Lanzhu actually does like me. She may have saved me in a way, but at the same time, she makes me feel like I’m drowning.”

Mia looked back at Ai, the latter’s face in complete shock. She’d expected it, though. A lot of people thought Lanzhu and Mia had no problems with each other.

She could tell Ai did care, though. Unlike Lanzhu, she was a nice person. 

Maybe one day Lanzhu would stop treating her like garbage. Maybe. 

Her mind wandered back to a time where Lanzhu and her liked each other; when they weren’t arguing 24/7. 

“Mia?” A voice snapped her out of her little daydream. She looked back at Ai, her expression just as sad as Ai’s was.

“Y’know… If you ever wanted to just...hang out? Just the two of us? I know we haven’t been that friendly towards each other, but I genuinely think of you as a friend.” Mia noted she hadn’t made any puns this whole time. She was dead serious.

Mia’s eyes watered up again. With no turning back, she ran. Leaving Ai, and all her problems behind her. 

Slamming her door behind her; she fell against it, trying to stop the tears from running down.

She hated it when people bothered her. 


	4. only the stage knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this one filled with mia/rina, sadness and headcanons i have? 100%
> 
> is this also rina being a good friend? also 100%
> 
> enjoy, my friends. enjoy.
> 
> (disclaimer: mia does not canonically have albinism, its just a hc of mine)

The only thing she knew was music. Her whole life goal revolved around music, and she knew that. 

All her songs made headlines. All of them topped the charts. Finally, she was  _ worth  _ something. 

But if she was worth it, why did she still feel the guilt and fear of that day? 

———-

  
  


Reaching for the light of her first solo song, she made her way up the steps. Her footsteps felt heavier and heavier with every second that went by. Her breathing felt off. “Was this normal?” she wondered, her shoes finally making their way to their destination.

Without hesitation, she held the mic and started to sing.

Well, tried to sing.

Her throat felt like it was on fire, all her preparation beforehand had gone to waste. 

She took one glance at her sister backstage, who was motioning for her to leave. 

“Gomen... gomenasai...” she muttered before her legs took her away.

Her sister’s expression was neutral, but Mia could see in her eyes she was mad; disappointed even. 

She’d ruined the family name.

No one in the family slept that night.

———-

“See you soon, sis! Enjoy Japan, ok? It’s an amazing opportunity for you. Remind me again how you got this opportunity?”

Mia sighed. 

“The girl from China decided to invite me. Her mum works at the school. Her name’s Lanzhu, remember?”

“Ohhhh... didn’t she come over the other day? Pinkish hair, right?”

“Mhm, that’s her. She spoke in Chinese and Japanese, remember?”

“Mia, I don’t know much Japanese, let alone Chinese. I had no idea what she was saying half the time.”

“Thought so. Anyway, she’s nice, I guess.”

“You guess? Mia?”

“Well... she kind of makes me write songs for her, and sometimes likes to pretend I’m a robot so she can get away with making me do things for her, but I promise she’s a nice person! She just...” Mia trailed off, knowing if that she said more her sister would tell her parents.

“A-Alrighty, if you say so... I worry about you sometimes...”

“Shit, my flight is soon, gotta go. Don’t want Lanzhu getting mad. See you!” 

Shit. She overshared again. Her sister was definitely going to tell their parents. 

Not like it mattered, she’d be on the other side of the world soon, free from them and free from ruining the family name again. 

Her mind wandered back to that day. The lights, the way she couldn’t sing, the way her shoes moved so quickly back to safety, the arms of her sister there to grab her in for a hug.

The way her family looked at her afterwards, the shame hidden so only she could see it. 

She shook her head, none of that mattered anymore. She’d get on this plane, meet Lanzhu there, and become a better person. 

She hoped.

God, she really hoped.

———-

The plane landed and Mia jolted awake. She was finally in Japan, but her anxiety was still there. She sighed at the thought that maybe Lanzhu’s friends knew about her failure. She hoped not. She’d spent all this time hiding her mistakes from the world. She wanted a fresh start, and the last thing she wanted was for everyone to suddenly know what she did wrong. 

“Ma’am? You’re going to need to get off this plane now.” 

Ah. She forgot she was there for a second.

“Sorry, I zoned out for a minute. I’ll be on my way now,” Mia stuttered out, the word vomit almost sounding unnatural in her own mind.

She left the plane quickly, not wanting to loiter around longer than she had to. 

———-

  
  


“Shioriko! This is the friend I was telling you about! Her name’s Mia!” Lanzhu said, pointing at the blonde. The other girl looked at her strangely. “This is Shioriko!”

“Hello, Mia…? I’m Shioriko, like Lanzhu said… Pleased to meet you…” Shioriko said to Mia; her eyes wandering to her pale blonde hair, then to her purple-like eyes. God, she hated it when people stared at her. It just felt so uncomfortable; knowing people were wondering why she was so pale, and why she kept running into things.

“Nice to meet you… Shioriko-san…” Mia said back, reaching out her hand so Shioriko could shake it. 

“I have albinism; I could see you wondering why I’m so pale,” Mia said as Shioriko glared at her, as to give her a look of ‘ _ I literally have no idea what that is, but I think you’re crazy _ . 

“Nice to know… I think… Anyway, we should probably start heading to school, I think you’ll like it there. Are you two sharing a dorm or…?” Shioriko asked, guiding them to the car she’d prepared earlier.

“No, no. Mia’s getting her own dorm on campus. I’m staying with my mama!” Lanzhu replied, making Mia cover her eardrums at how loud she was being.

The entire world didn’t need to know about her, right?

“Mia? You comin’?” 

Right, the dorms.

“Coming…”

\-------

God, how was she so  _ stupid? _

Thinking she had a chance with being able to perform herself; the stage alone was enough to drive back old memories. Even if she was able to move forward from the past, she still had  _ Lanzhu  _ to get past.

God, that name tasted like poison when she said it out loud.

It was funny, really. Mia was supposed to be  _ thankful _ Lanzhu took pity on her, and let her come to Japan with her. She was supposed to be happy writing songs for her. But it didn’t satisfy her, nothing Lanzhu did for her did. All Lanzhu did was cause stress and trauma. She got her way at everything; the club, the school, everything and everyone practically  _ belonged _ to Lanzhu. In this world, she was the queen, and this was her  _ queendom.  _

She wondered if things were different, would Lanzhu and her be real friends? Would they get along? Would they be able to hang out after school, go out to cafès and dance to slow songs in the moonlight? 

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, maybe she should stick by herself.

She lowered her head into her knees, her breathing getting shaky.

“Found you.”

Mia looked up, expecting Lanzhu or Shioriko to yell at her. To her surprise, it was Rina.

“Rina… what did you find?” She asked, her voice shaking with nervousness as she did so. She hoped Rina wouldn’t notice. The pink-haired girl sat down next to her, giving her a blank stare.

“You were missing. Ai-san told us about you, so we all split up to look and try and find you. You weren’t in the club room, nor any of your classrooms. We’re all worried.”

Crap. So Ai told them how much of a failure she was, great. How pathetic.

“Why are you all worried about a person like me? I can’t write songs anymore; a Mia Taylor that can’t write music has no worth.”

Rina sighed. 

“...I’m worried, and I think you have worth, Mia-san… even if you didn’t, I’d still be worried…”

Mia didn’t believe this nonsense Rina was spewing out. She needed worth. As a Taylor, she had to have worth, otherwise, she was nothing.

“Why’d you sit next to me, anyway…? we’re in an auditorium, there’s plenty of other seats.” 

“‘Cus I wanted to sit,” Rina said, her blank expression making this seem scarier than it had to be. 

“What’s up? Everyone’s been really worried…”

Mia looked at Rina, cursing her future self for what she was about to do.

“Listen… I’m going to tell you my whole story. But if you talk shit or interrupt me, I won’t talk anymore, got it?”

“Understood.”

“Up until now… I was making music just fine until Shizuku returned to the club. After that, I found everything turned weird. The song I tried to make was rough, cheap.  _ My _ songs aren’t like that, they’re a million times better…”

She heard Rina make a sound, and she threw a glare in her direction. 

“Not being able to make music, I can’t let myself turn into someone like that… I’ve always been able to make amazing music. There’s no place for me if I don’t…”

“Um…”

Mia threw another glare in Rina’s direction. 

“I told you to keep quiet…”

“Oh, sorry. But I can’t keep quiet… I know I promised, but I have to break that promise.”

Mia groaned. Why was she even telling Rina all this?

“Mia-san, I know you’ve been hurting for a while now. And… hurting is painful. But saying that there’s no place for you; saying that you have no worth… the only thing that’s happened is that you can’t make music anymore. Why are you saying… such things?”

“The only thing that happened? It’s not that simple, Rina!” She sighed. “You don’t understand, do you? Being a part of a music-loving family, the Taylor’s have an immense weight to succeed. Our expectations are high. Music is nothing but a pain.  _ I really hate it. _ ”

“If you hated music, you wouldn’t have made all those amazing songs.”

Maybe it was time to tell Rina her deepest secret.

“Hey Rina… you’ve heard before that I don’t sing, right?”

“Y-yeah. Ai-san or someone mentioned it… why do you ask?”

“I used to. A long time ago. My family and everyone said I sounded like an angel.”

Rina said nothing, so it was safe to continue.

“Everyone was so happy for the day my whole family could stand on the stage together… and then, the day came… I decided I was going to sing then, in fact, I was really looking forward to it… until I got on the stage. Everyone was waiting to hear  _ me  _ sing on that stage. I went up there without any doubts on my mind. However... the feeling of excitement, all of it disappeared in a second. There were thousands watching me, yet… I just couldn’t sing… my legs were trembling… and I did everything I could to get myself off that stage.”

Rina couldn’t help but speak up.

“That’s-”

“Shut up. Let me finish.”

God, did this girl listen?

“I ruined the family name… and that’s why I looked for something other than singing… I tried so many things… and now I’m here… but hey, this road isn’t bad either. Because my songs bring excitement to this world. And the family name is fixed again. Do you understand now? I’ve lost myself, my songs are  _ shit _ now. I don’t really have any value anymore, no one wants me-”

“I want you.”

Rina interrupted, grabbing Mia’s hands.

“I’m interested in your songs… and, we both like hamburgers and video games. And since we have those two things in common… let’s be friends!”

“Huh? What made you think like that? I told you how worthless I am. You heard my weird story, let’s just end this already.”

The grip on Mia’s hands became tighter.

“Nu-uh. You telling me your story is proof that our friendship has deepened.”

“Rina, what are you talking about? Why are you acting like this…”

“I think I understand a little. You’re gone through various things, overcame them, and hid them in your mind this whole time. Furthermore, your songs are like that. Those sounds are the type that you wouldn’t know existed unless you wore headphones.” Rina paused. Mia looked over to her, waiting for her response.

“But if you couldn’t hear those sounds… then it wouldn’t be my favourite song made by Mia-san… it’s the same with you. If Mia-san didn’t go through all pain and suffering, then she wouldn’t be Mia-san. The sounds you can’t hear, and your feelings of being trapped, you just can’t have those! If you don’t have those… then it’s not a Mia-san song!”

“I-”

“I really like your songs, Mia-san. Although they may be difficult to understand, Mia-san’s voice is packed really tight into them.”

“Is that so…?”

“It is! You’re super amazing! I really love your songs, Mia-san.”

Mia could feel the tears forming in her eyes, but she ignored them. God, were they happy or sad tears?

“Here’s a tissue, I can see you need to cry.”   
  
“I need to do no such thing, Rina.”

“Liar, I can see the tear falling down your face right now.”

Mia reached up to touch her face, feeling the droplets of water fall down her face.

“You won’t tell anyone about this… right?”

“Not a soul. Rina-chan board says: shhh.”

“Thank you, Rina-san…”

**Author's Note:**

> for starters, im fine. genuinely. 
> 
> this all came to me a couple of hours ago and i didn't mean to make this fic so... horrible? i love and kin mia, and i hate being a bitch to my faves, but this is what i ended up with :/ 
> 
> this was also kinda inspired by shuu uchidas tweet? is that bad? i hope shes ok :(
> 
> comments on how i can improve is very much appreciated, I'm not a native English speaker, Japanese is my first language.


End file.
